Be Present

pres·ent¹

noun

     1. the period of time now occuring.

Between patrol, a diving assignment, the annual SWAT conference, training days, extra jobs, leadership class, call outs and scheduled missions he hasn't had a day off in close to a month.  So, needless to say, I was pretty excited about having an evening of nothing to do but sit there on the couch and just be with him. He was scheduled for a mission in the morning so I knew it was going to be an early night. 3AM comes fast. He made it through one show on the couch and then we decided to move into the bedroom where I planned on watching my follow up show with him and then calling it a night.

Then comes the text.

Somehow I have a sixth sense when it comes to call-out texts.  It wasn’t one of those, however.  It's the more annoying kind.  It was from the on duty deputy monitoring the call screen and tipping off my husband that the team may get called out.   It's the limbo stage.   Will they or won't they be called out?   I lost him at that moment.  His mind was no longer with me.  Couldn't he just be here until he actually gets called out?   Nope.  Instead, I lose him until the page goes out.  As I continued to watch my show, he got up and did some things and then uncommittedly sat back down on the bed.  He stared at his phone for the next 15 minutes.  Or at least that's what it felt like.  I wish they would just page him already! 

Finally the chime came through that he was waiting for.  But he didn't jump out of bed right away.  We have been married for a while and so I knew what he was doing.  He didn't want to seem too excited to leave.  He was careful so that he didn't offend me.   It was a nice gesture but seriously, I don’t know who he thinks he is kidding when he does stuff like that.  And with a quick peck, I sent him off.  But he hesitated to leave.  WTH?  Isn't that the call he was waiting for? Now that my brisk kiss matches his removed manner, it bothers him?! Wasn't his demeanor brisk and detached just waiting for that text?

Okay, wait.  I am not THAT girl.  My body has purged all post pregnancy hormones so I couldn't really blame it on that. What about that whole situation bothered me so much???  And why did it bother me enough that he actually noticed something was wrong with me.  And like all other times, as soon as the garage door closed, I fought with myself trying to make sense of what I was feeling. 

After a bit, I had figured it out.  You see, to him, he was putting on his mental armor.  It’s the whole reason he joined the team.  It's saving a life.  It’s getting the bad guy.  It's the rush and dump sensation.  But to me, these moments before they pull him away, AGAIN, could be the last moments that I have with him.   I discovered that I needed him to be there in the moments before he left. To lay with me for just a while longer.  Or to go kiss his boys goodbye since he actually had a little time to prepare.  But he wasn't and he didn't . He didn't realize what he was doing and I didn't realize how much it was hurting me.  I needed him to be present.  He didn't know how loud his actions were speaking and I didn't have time to talk it through with him.  PLUS,  I felt like I was just getting some time in with him!  Cut me a break.  **Sigh**

I hated leaving things that way.  I hated that he left worrying about what was wrong with me.  He should have been 100 percent focused on his duty to the county and its citizens, whoever they were, and he wasn't able too.  Or at least I felt that I didn't allow him to.  I felt horrible. 

I knew he would put his game face on, we would temporarily put it all on hold and we would deal with it later.  Unfortunately, later was well past my bedtime.  So like everything else, we will talk it through at some point and make adjustments to our relationship as we walk this thin blue line together, as a family. Communication is the key to success in my book and I choose to smother our marriage in it.  

Here is a good one for the wall.