Its a normal evening. I am in a waiting area with my sister waiting on my parents and little brother to get there so we can sit and have dinner. My parents finally arrive and walk straight to the table. We follow to find my brother has already been seated. My dad gets on to him because he has ripped the backing off of one of the chairs. My brother is 20 years old. So this is slightly unusual. We all sit. Quietly.
Then suddenly my father places his hands on the table firmly and shoots a pitiful gaze directly at me. I am overcome with a sharp and sudden sadness. It suddenly occurs to me why we are here. I cannot breathe. I start to hyperventilate. I quickly leave the table reaching quickly for my phone as I rush out trying to gasp for any air available. My phone. I realize that this is my lifeline right now. Without it I will die. My phone is now my only connection to him...I press that white button and there he is smiling back at me like the world has not been turned upside down.
Suddenly I awaken, sobbing uncontrollably. I hear his voice. Then his touch. "Baby, it's okay. Just breathe. I'm right here." He is rubbing my back. I'm still confused. What just happened? He finally calms me down for a moment. He asks if I am okay. It only takes a second for me to feel an incredible sadness for someone I have never met. "I feel so sad for her." I sob. He replies, "Baby, you can't do that to yourself." And at that moment I am so grateful that he is lying beside me to tell me that because tomorrow he may not be.
She lost her husband this weekend. It happened during a SWAT call-out. I hear about fallen officers all the time. What about this one was so different? Was it because it happened in a neighboring county? Was it because it happened during a SWAT call-out? I have not a clue. I don't know why this one was so different. In the seven years I have been married to my officer and the four years he has been on the SWAT team I have never reacted this way to hearing news of a fallen officer. Not even when we learned of a death from a fellow student my husband went to the Academy with.
He walked into our room Sunday morning updating me on the
Zimmerman verdict. He also informed me that there was a call out in Killeen
last night and an officer was shot and killed and another wounded. He knows I
don't read the news or even watch it on TV. It's too depressing and unreliable.
I respond with, "Oh, that's sad." and quickly move on. Later that day I see posts from fellow Brothers
in Blue expressing deep sorrows for him and his family. Again, a quick prayer and I move on.
I seemed to disassociate myself with all of it. I had no
desire to relate her. It's was all so automatic. I didn't even have to think
about not dwelling on her loss. If I
make it impersonal, I won't have to deal with the reality of the fact that this
could have very easily been me. But is this a healthy way of dealing with it? There is no course for LEO spouses to take when he or she joins the force. We are not trained to
know how to react to the everyday stresses of being married to a civil servant. When is our training day? I'm not sure but until then I will roll with the punches and pray that
day never comes.
After last night I feel like I gained a sister. She doesn't know me and I don't know her, but I felt her deep pain last night and an instant comradely. Godspeed your healing, sister. You and your family are in my heart and
prayers.
2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.
To my husband, you are my rock. I am blessed to have you by my side. I hope you always know that.
