Undercover Blessings

As we near the holiday that forces us to stop for a moment and think about what we have to be thankful for, I am reminded to do the same.  In a world that is chock-full of complaints, it is so nice to be surrounded by humanities thankfulness.  So, here are a few things I am thankful for.

INDEPENDENCE

It is no secret that to survive as a LEO wife you must have some substantial amount of independence in your blood.  I adore my husband and I love it when he is home but when he is not, it is my duty to hold things together.  It came as no hard feat to me to be able to handle the home on my own when my LEO is gone.  I can attribute that independent-style attitude to a couple of things.

My hard-working parents who raised and supported five children.  As the oldest it was my duty to care for my siblings while they were working.  This included cooking, cleaning, caring and even educating.  Although there have been times that I felt that my childhood could have been a little more child-ishy, I am thankful for the amount of independence those experiences gave me.

My early twenties and all it's hardships. I am thankful for those few years where I had to struggle for the basics.  The years when my paycheck paid for my rent and sometimes not even that.  The years of Ramen and water.  And throughout those years only once did I ask anyone for help.  I was determined to show the world that I could do it on my own.

It is because of these experiences that my LEO can walk out the door each day knowing I will be okay.  He will not have to worry about me while he is gone.  I am thankful that because of them he can focus on his work and not worry about his family while he is away.  

RELATIONSHIPS

Throughout our marriage competitions, trainings, missions, call-outs and routine duty have been there to remind me that sometimes it is nice to miss your spouse. I do not particularly favor it when my husband has to leave, especially for lengthy periods and especially knowing that our little one will be asking every night when daddy will be home.  Breaks my heart. I will say however, that I am thankful for the opportunity to miss him when he is gone.  It breaks up that routine complacency that comes so natural in marriages.  I am thankful for the extra-tight hugs and extra-long kisses when he returns.  I am extremely thankful to be able to witness the look on my son's face when he hears the alarm chime when we are cuddled on the couch because he knows his Daddy is home!  It just makes my heart melt.

I am thankful for the relationship that my son and husband are able to share.  My husband's schedule doesn't exactly fit mine and this allows them to have what we call "Daddy-Dylan Day".  On these days my boys can build such a unique relationship that wouldn't be possible if it was always the three of us.

 I am also thankful for the opportunity to be able to build a relationship with my son that is just mine and his.  Every weekend my LEO works allows for an opportunity to bond with my son. 

 I am just as thankful for the special time we split as I am for the special time we share.  Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!  Many blessings to you and your families.

The Good Fight

Its a normal evening.   I am in a waiting area with my sister waiting on my parents and little brother to get there so we can sit and have dinner.  My parents finally arrive and walk straight to the table.  We follow to find my brother has already been seated.  My dad gets on to him because he has ripped the backing off of one of the chairs.  My brother is 20 years old.  So this is slightly unusual.  We all sit.  Quietly.

Then suddenly my father places his hands on the table firmly and shoots a pitiful gaze directly at me.  I am overcome with a sharp and sudden sadness.  It suddenly occurs to me why we are here.  I cannot breathe.  I start to hyperventilate.  I quickly leave the table reaching quickly for my phone as I rush out trying to gasp for any air available.  My phone.  I realize that this is my lifeline right now.  Without it I will die.  My phone is now my only connection to him...I press that white button and there he is smiling back at me like the world has not been turned upside down.

Suddenly I awaken, sobbing uncontrollably.  I hear his voice.  Then his touch.  "Baby, it's okay.  Just breathe.  I'm right here."  He is rubbing my back.  I'm still confused.  What just happened?  He finally calms me down for a moment.  He asks if I am okay.  It only takes a second for me to feel  an incredible sadness for someone I have never met.  "I feel so sad for her." I sob.  He replies, "Baby, you can't do that to yourself."  And at that moment I am so grateful that he is lying beside me to tell me that because tomorrow he may not be.

She lost her husband this weekend.  It happened during a SWAT call-out.  I hear about fallen officers all the time.  What about this one was so different?  Was it because it happened in a neighboring county?  Was it because it happened during a SWAT call-out?  I have not a clue.  I don't know why this one was so different.  In the seven years I have been married to my officer and the four years he has been on the SWAT team I have never reacted this way to hearing news of a fallen officer.  Not even when we learned of a death from a fellow student my husband went to the Academy with.

He walked into our room Sunday morning updating me on the Zimmerman verdict. He also informed me that there was a call out in Killeen last night and an officer was shot and killed and another wounded. He knows I don't read the news or even watch it on TV. It's too depressing and unreliable. I respond with, "Oh, that's sad." and quickly move on.  Later that day I see posts from fellow Brothers in Blue expressing deep sorrows for him and his family. Again, a quick prayer and I move on.

I seemed to disassociate myself with all of it. I had no desire to relate her. It's was all so automatic. I didn't even have to think about not dwelling on her loss.  If I make it impersonal, I won't have to deal with the reality of the fact that this could have very easily been me.  But is this a healthy way of dealing with it?  There is no course for LEO spouses to take when he or she joins the force. We are not trained to know how to react to the everyday stresses of being married to a civil servant.  When is our training day? I'm not sure but until then I will roll with the punches and pray that day never comes.

After last night I feel like I gained a sister.  She doesn't know me and I don't know her, but I felt her deep pain last night and an instant comradely.  Godspeed your healing, sister. You and your family are in my heart and prayers.  

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2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.

To my husband, you are my rock.  I am blessed to have you by my side.  I hope you always know that.

pre·par·ed·ness

Noun A state of readiness, esp. for war.

Synonyms

readiness - preparation - willingness

This weekend I went to get certified for my concealed carry license.  It is a mandatory 10-hour course here in Texas.  Most of it is classroom but we were able to look forward to range time at the end of the day.  I am excited to say that I passed the course and am now one step closer to obtaining my CHL.   

I did not attend this course in hopes of being some sort of vigilante.  I simply want the opportunity to have a chance to protect myself and my family if it came down to it.  One of the first questions asked in the class was, “If it came down to it, could you take another person’s life?”  

Without hesitation I knew my answer.  If there were ever a feeling in the slightest the my loved ones or my own life were in danger, no thought about it I would find a way to protect it.  But is that really true?   

I have absolutely no idea.  And I pray that I never will have to find out.  I can only hope that if it did my inner “sheepdog”, as my husband would call it, will shine bright.  It is immensely important to mentally prepare for such a situation.  It takes way more than just range time.  

I randomly find myself taking a quiet, normal moment in my life and throwing in a very unwelcome wrench.  What would I do if somebody walked in right now and tried to rob me or worse?  And just as the good driver always has an escape plan on the highway, I have one everywhere I go.  In the grocery store, at the movies and while getting my nails done.  The best way to look at it is to think of it this way.  It is better to have a plan and not use it, than to not have one and need it.  This is precisely how I choose to protect me and my family.           

I know that bad things happen.  I realize we have no control over who they happen to.   That is left up to a greater power than you and I.  Some people criticize that “focusing” on the negative in life is unnecessary and they feel sad for you.  It almost feels like they are disgusted that you would think in that manner.  Even though I do believe that there are people that obsess over it and it can easily become an unhealthy way of living, I also know that there can be a healthy balance between sheltering and preparing my child for the real world.  

I want to pass on something my instructor mentioned.  Please be aware of the distractions of technology.  Open your eyes.  Look up.  Look around.  When you are leaving the mall or pumping your gas, know your surroundings.  You don’t have to let fear consume your life in the slightest.   You just have to know that bad exists out there and your chance of surviving is greater if you can see it coming. 

If you want an interesting read to explain the whole "sheepdog" reference above, click here.

How do you do it?

How do you do it?  That is the single most common question I am asked.  I can’t remember the first time I had been asked that question but when I was, I wasn’t even sure myself.  It kind of forced me to think about it.  How do I do it?  When I thought about it, I should be a nervous wreck every second of my life.  My first immediate thought was it was because I had been raised in a similar circumstance. 

I have been the daughter of an Austin Firefighter for almost 20 years now.  I grew up with uncommon schedules and holidays that consisted of us packing up and heading to the station to be surrounded by my Dad’s brothers and their families.  I was used to the worry that he could be injured or not come home one day.  But when I really thought about it, this was different.  A lot different.  Mainly because I was now a wife and a mother.  I had a husband and then came a child.  I had to fill the role of supportive wife under extreme circumstances.  This new life came with late nights, long hours, lost plans, overtime, bad jokes and 2 A.M. pages. 

By no means is playing the role of a cop’s wife meant for the dependent, clingy, “pay attention to me” type.  This is not for the weak.  Sometimes I do have to reassure myself that I am as strong as I think I am.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t clinch when I hear his phone ring in the middle of dinner or fight the urge to be disappointed because that was one more birthday party we would attend without him.   In the same way that my husband has to put his selfishness aside to protect others, I will put mine aside to protect him.  This is my duty.  The last thing I want for him to do is worry about how I am handling it all.  I want him to put his whole focus on his duty to the department and all the good, bad and ugly that comes with that badge. 

Over the years it has become apparent to me just how I handle it.  It’s who I am.  I am a protector.  However and whenever I learned it I am unsure.  Is it because I am the oldest of seven siblings? I don’t know.  When it came to my husband and his career I never had to think why I did it.   I just did.  That’s what you do when you love someone.  You put them before you.  And that was what I was doing.  He needed to know that when he kissed me on the forehead before walking out that door that I would be fine and he wouldn’t have to worry about me.  I would take care of our son and our home until he came home to take that role back, whenever and however that would be. 

Why do you do it?  This one is easy.  I love him.  And although I may lack in showing him that other areas of our relationship.  Supporting him while he walks this thin blue line is one thing he can count on because I know his life depends on me doing just that.  I made a promise to him before God that I will show him unconditional love.  I married him knowing what he did and when I married him I married the department.  And that’s okay with me because when he is home and I see the way he looks at me and our son that love is what makes it all worth it. 

Tomorrow an officer will walk over to his wife bearing that badge.  He’ll kiss her while thinking to himself that he will do whatever it takes to come home to her safely and she’ll say a silent prayer that he will uphold that promise.  They both know what each is thinking and accepts that because that is what has to be done.  This will continue for as long as the world needs protecting. 

I love my officer and although sometimes I may not like his job, I respect it and that will never change.