::Embrace the Suck::

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with emotions that I have no idea how to process that I just have to write it out.  I have had this one sitting in my drafts for about a month.  These were my thoughts even before Dallas and now Baton Rouge.  I'm feeling pretty damn thankful that I have my LEO today.  He is out on watch tonight, patrolling the streets.  And It's getting a little harder each night to fall and stay asleep.  I am praying for new strength everyday.  Here were my struggles from a month ago me...

It’s no secret in my relationship that I have a lot work on when it comes to expressing my affection.  Don’t get me wrong, when I love, I love hard.  It’s a struggle I worry myself about all the time.  Rick is so amazingly perfect at telling me and showing me just how much he adores me.  This fact is actually something that only the people closest to us know.  He is a hardcore badass who separates his personal emotions when it comes to getting stuff done.  Most people know him as that guy.  I am blessed to know him as both.

I guess, it’s just that I know how I feel about him.  I know he is my everything.  I know just how much I need him and that I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to survive without him.  Where I fall short is letting him know all those things as much as he deserves to know.  It’s always hard reflecting on your personal faults. 

Here’s where I am going with all of this…

This kid.  I swear.  He always has something going on.  I can’t keep up.  Here recently it’s been one thing after another.  The latest was the annual SWAT camp.  It lasts a week and it’s always out of town.

The kids had stayed with their grandparents for the night and the way it worked out would not have been able to say bye to Daddy before he left.  It would have been a full week for them and my oldest was distraught.  It seriously would have been an emotional week for him if I didn’t make arrangements.  So instead of going home from a long weekend, the boys and I made the trip from Buda to Georgetown to say our goodbyes.  After a few minutes of chatting, I stepped out of the car and he leaned in for a goodbye kiss.  I laid an swift kiss on him and a reminder to say goodbye to the boys again and jumped back into the car.  I am not even sure if I hugged him. 

As soon as I shut the the door, I felt an immediate urge to run and give him one of those movie goodbyes.  The whole run across the lot, jump in his arms, grab his face and makeout kind of goodbye. 

But I didn’t. 

I just sat there fighting with myself and talking myself down.  Why?  Why didn’t I just go out there?  Why didn’t I kiss him like I wanted to to begin with?  What the hell is wrong with me?  Something is seriously wrong with my express feelings switch!  You know when you have an internal struggle and your mind is going a mile a minute and everything is going in fast forward and then all of a sudden it stops? 

That’s how it all went down.  Holy hell…this is pretty deep.  So deep in fact that I can’t deal with this right now. I have to get the boys home and get unpacked and get everybody ready for school tomorrow. And that is where I left it…until now.

So as I sit down and write this post, I am forced to really reflect on why it is that I do that.  It happens all the time.  I want to give him a proper goodbye.  I want to do that every day.  I want him to know how much I am going to miss him and how much I love him. I just can’t.  I can’t do that.     

I can’t kiss him like it’s the last time I am going to see him. 

This is what I do.  This is how I protect myself.  This is how I can be so "strong" while he is doing what he does.  This is how I keep from curling up and crying or worrying 24/7.  A lot of times I don’t even know what I am doing to protect myself until I am forced to reflect on it.  I try and make myself feel better by reminding myself that I show him I love him in so many other ways.  It works for a while but eventually I will feel bad about it again.  

This is the struggle, y’all.  My reality is that my husband just might not come home.  And although the threat has always been there, recently my husband has had a target on his back for the sole reason that he bears a badge and that makes it so much harder to deal with. 

So what happens now?  Hell, I don’t know.  I just keep moving forward and doing what I do.  I may attempt to kiss him longer and harder when he leaves and hope that it doesn’t break me.  This is the life though.  You just have to keep moving forward, praying for protection and as my husband would say, “Embrace the suck.” 

PS...I'm finding so much comfort in my fellow LEOWs.  Most days here lately I wonder, while everyone around me is doing their daily thing, if they notice that I am cracking.  Slowly cracking.  I know I am not alone and I find comfort in knowing my girls have got my six.  I may not see them or even talk to them often but I know they are there.  Thank you, you two, you know who you are for giving me a mental break from reality this weekend.  Love you, both. 

The Next Step

There have been many moments in my marriage that make my heart swell with pride when it comes to my husband.  One of the top few would be the time he spent sacrificing for you and I during his tours in the Army, watching him form the beautiful bond with my first born and now our second, and his full-hearted commitment to Williamson County and its citizens. 

Over the past couple of years, Rick and I have had to start thinking about the next step in his career.  We have committed to the Swift Water Rescue team, the Dive Team and SMT as a family.  But my husband doesn’t settle.  He has to challenge himself.  This is one of the things I love about him.  He needs more.  He needs more for his own self-worth but mainly for his wife and two boys.  We knew the next step would be to put in for sergeant.  We have been considering this for that past couple of years on and off but off course that comes with sacrifice.  As does most things when it comes to law enforment.  Our boys are young and he didn’t want to miss out on anything.  We also knew that meant moving to nights and we all know that comes with a different set of challenges in a family. 

The time came a few weeks ago.  A position was advertised for Patrol Sergeant.  We ultimately decided that it was time to put in.  We didn’t know if it would happen, but we knew that whatever did happen that it would be in God’s plan for our family.  The competition was tough.  A long list of respected and qualified gentleman had put in.  He knew what he was up against.  The past  couple of weeks I had the most beautiful opportunity to witness my husband inform our oldest son what he wanted and needed to do for our family.  He watched him put every ounce of his time into his commitment.  I have to say that this was the best part of it all.  We spoke to him about the changes that may happen and he understood that he would have to make sacrifices if Daddy actually got the position.  He watched his father over the next few weeks study and prepare, study and prepare, study and prepare. 

The day came and he walked to his Daddy and wished him “Good Luck”.  I didn’t know what was going to happen.  I put my trust in God.  Either way, our son was able to learn a valuable lesson in the process.  If you want something, you go for it.  Go for it with your whole heart.  If you get it then praise the Lord for your blessing.  But if you don’t, you get back up and try again. 

We got word this morning that Rick was promoted.  I couldn’t be more proud of my husband.  He wanted it.  He worked for it.  And he got it.  I cannot think of anyone more deserving.  Patrol Sgt. at 36 years young.  I know this means moving to nights and that it will come with its own set of challenges.  I am sure you all will be hearing from me soon about all that. But like we always do, we will get through it. 

To my husband, I will never take you for granted.  I know that everything you do, you do for us.  I will always be the support you need.  I love you.

And just because I rarely get all mushy and I could barely write this post because it was hard to see through watery eyes, here are a few things LE related that make me giggle…

·         My husband didn’t make the laws, he just enforces them

·         The left arm tan line

·         Sending him to run my errand that involves a picking up texas sized donut

·         Scarying the hell outta my friends/family with the police knock

·         Making people think that I am evading the police when my husband pulls up behind me

·         How my boss thinks I have unlimited access to the evidence room…he was a 60s kid

·         The thought of my husband rounding up a cow in the middle of 79

Bye for now, loves.