Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with emotions that I have no idea how to process that I just have to write it out. I have had this one sitting in my drafts for about a month. These were my thoughts even before Dallas and now Baton Rouge. I'm feeling pretty damn thankful that I have my LEO today. He is out on watch tonight, patrolling the streets. And It's getting a little harder each night to fall and stay asleep. I am praying for new strength everyday. Here were my struggles from a month ago me...
It’s no secret in my relationship that I have a lot work on when it comes to expressing my affection. Don’t get me wrong, when I love, I love hard. It’s a struggle I worry myself about all the time. Rick is so amazingly perfect at telling me and showing me just how much he adores me. This fact is actually something that only the people closest to us know. He is a hardcore badass who separates his personal emotions when it comes to getting stuff done. Most people know him as that guy. I am blessed to know him as both.
I guess, it’s just that I know how I feel about him. I know he is my everything. I know just how much I need him and that I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to survive without him. Where I fall short is letting him know all those things as much as he deserves to know. It’s always hard reflecting on your personal faults.
Here’s where I am going with all of this…
This kid. I swear. He always has something going on. I can’t keep up. Here recently it’s been one thing after another. The latest was the annual SWAT camp. It lasts a week and it’s always out of town.
The kids had stayed with their grandparents for the night and the way it worked out would not have been able to say bye to Daddy before he left. It would have been a full week for them and my oldest was distraught. It seriously would have been an emotional week for him if I didn’t make arrangements. So instead of going home from a long weekend, the boys and I made the trip from Buda to Georgetown to say our goodbyes. After a few minutes of chatting, I stepped out of the car and he leaned in for a goodbye kiss. I laid an swift kiss on him and a reminder to say goodbye to the boys again and jumped back into the car. I am not even sure if I hugged him.
As soon as I shut the the door, I felt an immediate urge to run and give him one of those movie goodbyes. The whole run across the lot, jump in his arms, grab his face and makeout kind of goodbye.
But I didn’t.
I just sat there fighting with myself and talking myself down. Why? Why didn’t I just go out there? Why didn’t I kiss him like I wanted to to begin with? What the hell is wrong with me? Something is seriously wrong with my express feelings switch! You know when you have an internal struggle and your mind is going a mile a minute and everything is going in fast forward and then all of a sudden it stops?
That’s how it all went down. Holy hell…this is pretty deep. So deep in fact that I can’t deal with this right now. I have to get the boys home and get unpacked and get everybody ready for school tomorrow. And that is where I left it…until now.
So as I sit down and write this post, I am forced to really reflect on why it is that I do that. It happens all the time. I want to give him a proper goodbye. I want to do that every day. I want him to know how much I am going to miss him and how much I love him. I just can’t. I can’t do that.
I can’t kiss him like it’s the last time I am going to see him.
This is what I do. This is how I protect myself. This is how I can be so "strong" while he is doing what he does. This is how I keep from curling up and crying or worrying 24/7. A lot of times I don’t even know what I am doing to protect myself until I am forced to reflect on it. I try and make myself feel better by reminding myself that I show him I love him in so many other ways. It works for a while but eventually I will feel bad about it again.
This is the struggle, y’all. My reality is that my husband just might not come home. And although the threat has always been there, recently my husband has had a target on his back for the sole reason that he bears a badge and that makes it so much harder to deal with.
So what happens now? Hell, I don’t know. I just keep moving forward and doing what I do. I may attempt to kiss him longer and harder when he leaves and hope that it doesn’t break me. This is the life though. You just have to keep moving forward, praying for protection and as my husband would say, “Embrace the suck.”
PS...I'm finding so much comfort in my fellow LEOWs. Most days here lately I wonder, while everyone around me is doing their daily thing, if they notice that I am cracking. Slowly cracking. I know I am not alone and I find comfort in knowing my girls have got my six. I may not see them or even talk to them often but I know they are there. Thank you, you two, you know who you are for giving me a mental break from reality this weekend. Love you, both.
